"Once an order is submitted, we are unable to cancel it for any reason." - textbooks.com
Back in Japan I used a dual title for a lot of freewrites. No, wait, that was France. In Japan I didn't use a dual title for anything. I haven't used a dual title since I got back from Paris. Well, here's a triple title. And one of the rare times I finish an unfinished blog post that has been autosaved for my future potential attention.
Tonight I ate a piece of one of my aunt's two (!) birthday cakes, cutting out a square on the cardboard of the pizza box that appeared to be headed to the trash without much use, or to the recycling bin. Anyway, I used that as a dish for the cake and then threw it out in the trash an hour later. Hey, I can't believe it's almost 4 AM now!! And I was めっちゃtired at 12 AM too, and all day before that. Putain.
So, so, so so. I haven't used the word "so" this much since high school, which kind of implies that I am trying too hard to deduce things. Logic only works so often, which is something I always try to point out to other people, but never quite get my heart (or brain) to accept.
But there's no real logical or fluid way to get to this, so I'll just jump on it like I would on a guy if I were in a relationship right now. For some reason Greg has decided to explain his interest in film to me by contrasting it, and not so much comparing it, with my interest in music. He was right about pointing out something - music without words is on the surface a hard way to express things because it is independent of the language that we think we use the most to express ourselves to other people, that is, English or whatever you're speaking depending on what country you're in. (Yes, this applies for foreigners in Japan, too, I think. THIS IS IMPORTANT, if you're in France you should get to speaking French or you will feel alienated, it doesn't matter if you speak it well, just if you speak it. I spoke it well but not enough and the result was alienation.)
But yeah, new paragraph because the last one is too long, although I think expression under-the-surface is underappreciated and badly understood and I think it's important, sometimes surface expression is what I need. And music without words can't really do that, although I bet you can tell if I'm frustrated by how I'm playing. I don't pull shit when I'm playing either so you can tell. Anyway, music, words, whatever, nothing is really capable of explaining right now the pain that I feel when I go to bed at night and think about how I really should've been in Japan last semester. Well, I don't know that. I enjoyed Paris to a certain extent. Not as much as the semester before and there's no denying that but, uh, yeah. I think about how much less painful and less boring my life could've been if I returned to what is now a kind of motherland to me last semester, and it hurts. Fuck it, man, I can't get everything right. But I don't like it when I get big things wrong.
I think something has changed about me, I'm finding it harder to have fun. I don't know why this happened or when it did, but I think it happened sophomore year. I also think I know why and whose fault this is, but honestly if I can't get out of the funk it's my fault and nobody else's. Also, this happened because there's a certain part of me that hates it when other people are more efficient than I am and I'm nowhere close. It's not about whether they're better at stuff than me, I'm fine with that. It's about efficiency. This was beyond annoying in Paris and was never a problem in Japan. Never, ever. And Japan is the most efficient place in the world, bar none, except their government messes up for them because it tries to protect everybody. Whatever, though, gaijin smash.
Paris, what a mistake. I really hate that city and don't want to go back. Oh, and there was a point where in my AIM profile I put "I love Paris." Yeah, I thought I'd found solace, finally.
No. Gotta keep looking, and looking for it in myself, while keeping my eyes open to other people. What a contradiction. And by the way, the dark night makes you think instinctively that there is no world around you, ignoring light and noise pollution. But there is, and I've got to absorb as much light I can and cast it around that. Sometimes I think that that's the way you've got to live in a world where it's acceptable for the US government to fucking bomb a funeral in Pakistan. I found that shit outrageous, I can't wait to hear the justification on that one. Well, with a brief look, Wired reports that it may not have been a US attack. Guess what, how about we change our foreign policy so that it isn't possible to blame us for the attack? Why are we ignoring Pakistan's territorial sovereignty anyway? Ughhhhhhhhhhhh the list goes on and on and I don't really have anyone but my dad to sympathize with me on my arguments.
But yeah, efficiency. I want to use everything and understand everything in an economical way, and when I see people get ahead of me on these things I have the instinct to get ahead, but also a reluctance to satisfy the instinct. In other words I get unhappy that I'm not where other people are. It's not that complicated, and I just can't get over certain things.
Right now I can't get over not being another self that went to Japan 2nd semester and didn't engage in a stupid affair or get really bored in a city that didn't suit him. And that's dangerous. I've gotta get over it like OK Go, but it's over my head like The Fray.
This shit is all over my head. That's what it is.
The first blog post I made on 日本でMY感動 acknowledged that I was already considering whether I should stay another semester or go to Paris. This was in fucking September and I just couldn't pull the trigger. Why? I guess I couldn't pull the trigger on a future self. Now I have to pull the trigger on a self that didn't happen, the ghost I talked about that went to Japan 2nd semester.
But this is life, there are regrets all the time and it's those ghosts that we've gotta melt or vacuum like Luigi in his mansion. I thought exercise was a good way to exorcise but apparently it's very inadequate. Ghosts of a past that could've been (and therefore a future that could've been!), ghosts of a future that could be. You have to get rid of both, and especially the former, but me being unable to say no to Paris was an example of how the latter need to be erased too.
Eventually you've just gotta look yourself in the eyes, in the mirror or in your imagination, and say, this is me, this is me now, this is the most accurate picture I have of myself, I work from here. Isn't there a famous quote in a Vonnegut novel? Well, Vonnegut basically made it famous by himself, if it is famous. But it's great, and it's from Timequake: "You were sick, but now you're well, and there's work to do" (193, Berkley Signature Edition, softcover, year 1997). What a great quote, and I'm glad I read that book, which doesn't appear to be acknowledged as one of the greater Vonnegut novels. But it's worth reading for that quote alone.
I was sick. But now I'm well, and there's work to do.
Work starts Tuesday, Tufts, 1 PM.
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