Spearheaded steering wheel

It may look cool, but once you grab the top and try to look backwards it doesn't feel cool.

Energy dissipating. I'm home, not at Tufts, it's a Saturday night turned into a Sunday morning, though you won't know that for another few hours. "Eight hours of work, eight hours of relaxation, eight hours of sleep." One hour of getting ready for work, eight hours of work when the sun's up, the sun's gone, one hour to drive home, six hours of tasks, eight hours of sleep maybe. The average working family would see that more likely. Sometimes I wonder why we don't all just try to move as close to the equator as possible.

I wonder what I'm gonna do. The instant I realize that I want a way of life that isn't completely arbitrary--the instant I make that abstract generalization about my thought process, I turn around and want my future to be arbitrary. I don't see myself as possibly being as driven as so many people I know. Still, I don't like my lack of drive. But I know I can drive hard, and when I do, you couldn't say I'm not driven.

And yet I don't want to narrow my horizons. I guess you could look at it like trying to get through that warp in Sector X in Star Fox 64--- that's a bitch of a warp to fit through, and completely arbitrary, but the instant you get through it you get a huge reward: Sector Z without Kat there, which makes it much, much easier to get the medal. That's really cool. The whole game is really cool.

I guess I haven't really been powering on my intellect too much this year. I want to blame the world for not inspiring me, but what good is that? Just makes me look like an asshole. I've been searching hard for something and haven't found it. I know part of it is love, part of it is something else too. I've been trying to get by with the minimal (amount of whatever) and see how far I can get, but that was just a bad idea. I think I did learn something in the process, though, other than that it was a bad idea. One, that it's possible but not completely desirable, and two, why am I trying to be someone I'm not? Answer: because that's part of who I am.

And who everyone is. For instance everyone's so easily controlled by the media that the least I can do to object is to avoid it generally. But man, it gets confusing sometimes.

You know how it became cool to wear socks that go below the ball of your ankle and it just stuck? Well when I was aspiring to be equally cool I didn't know it had to be below the ball of your ankle, as opposed to right above it. What's the difference? How about my version is comfortable, the other's not? And how arbitrary is this?

I'm out of vocabulary, and I need more. I guess these past four years have been four years of translation, more than anything else. From math to English to French to Japanese to music and just not much otherwise. Still that's enough to get a 620 on the GRE verbal, so whatever. (Why can't my GRE subject math score be 620, though?) I did not learn a single English vocabulary word in college and I can't resist saying that. Math vocabulary doesn't count.

It's weird what I've become. I don't feel completely different from my old self, either. Not really. Sometimes I wonder where I've become too mature, and where I haven't matured enough. It's a hard question to answer. Then again all of the questions that I have to answer nowadays are hard (except in comp sci) so I guess I should try to obliterate the question like I have to for abstract algebra. Some of those questions are just fucking boulders. Especially the ones that want you to specify an isomorphic group and don't tell you about their secret desires.

I can't wait for Christmas.