31

When I came to college, I decided that I was going to live a life for myself that I was able to live. No more trying to meet unreachable expectations, none of that. My success rate tends to be a curve that looks like 1/sqrt(1-(x-n)^2), with n being the moment where success most needs to hit. Aw, hell that's not even the curve I want. You know, the one that is flat pretty much except at the origin, where it dips off suddenly and hits bottom? Put in a -n for horizontal shift.

This is not a good point. I can't really work because I fucked up. And I know I'm behind on things even though I tried my usual to get ahead. Trying beyond my usual would probably end with me getting hurt down the road. And nowadays that "down the road" generally means whenever I'm put to the test. Then what's the use of preparing?

The professors I talked to when I told them about how I did on the GRE didn't really know how to make me feel better about it. One said nothing and the other just said something about which colleges I could apply to. No "it's okay, you've worked hard and they'll see that," nope. I still don't understand what the GRE was testing, aside from utter ridiculousness. I think that goes for both tests. My mom was like "that's not the score for November," oh, that's encouraging too. I only answered 4 more questions that time; what are the odds of doing better on that?

If I do better I'm gonna have to thank the swine flu.

The three other guys in the music lab are from Pakistan and Iran. I wonder what they think about this country's indifference.

That has nothing to do with anything, sorry.

I've started celebrating Christmas early. I've been listening nonstop to a great Christmas song I found by Elise Estrada and been playing and singing Christmas songs by myself on the pianos downstairs. Lonely Christmas, but I get the feeling that a month from now there might not be much to celebrate. I remember when in Japan Baskin Robbins had a Christmas ice cream, and my friends and I ate it together (well, we ate different things), Wadey, Trey, Tiki, Katie... oh, memories.

It was almost Christmas when I left Japan. Almost. So close, but so far.

At least don't nobody know how to be myself. I can say that. Could use a few more compliments about that, though, make me feel better.

This has not been a good 2009. Good thing there's no more than one.