Running away from MYself

This is one of those rare times where I run to everyone and no one seems to be able to help me. Then the only person I can run to is my destroyed, destructive self.

I hate Sundays. It's always Sunday that this happens. Nobody ever helps me on Sundays. Is this God calling me again and telling me nobody can help me except God? That's great.

It's nice to believe in something that confirms a complete disbelief in people, though.

Right now I'm not sure I believe in men. I certainly wish I were straight. Oh well, then things would be too easy and I'd probably be one dick of an individual. I take pride in being gay, but when I say that, I mean I take pride in getting over the shitpile of shit you face just necessarily from being gay. The fact that 90% of men will not be attracted to you just because of your gender outright. That's the big one. How about the fact that 80% of men don't want to hear any talk about it? There's another big one. And around the world, probably 50% of them wanna kill you.

You know, I never had too much faith in men anyway. We're insecure shits, we know it. It's in our blood, it's in our hormones. They go fucking berzerk and there's nothing we can do to stop them except acknowledge that they're there. And all of a sudden, it becomes such an important realization... even right now as I'm writing this.

Whoremones.

I'd have more faith in myself, but you're asking me to do shit I've never done before. And large magnitudes of that shit. How do you expect me to cope? Don't tell me to plan in advance when you know I'll never learn unless you show me how you're planning for something in advance. I learn by example.

Not enough examples. Not enough vitamins.

I'm trying to cultivate my own, for others to follow or to avoid. The hardest examples to cultivate are the ones you make for your own understanding.

Hmm, why do I like math? I like it because it's simple. At least I find it that way. Yes, it's deep, but a simplistic deep. I like that. I'm arguing in my personal statement that I like math because of its being the fundamental for so many other things, but it's more because of its fundamental simplicity more than anything.

Why couldn't I just write that? Because it's hard to build an entire essay on that idea. Or prove that you could help people based on what you find so good for yourself. So you write about how you help people in more directly obvious ways.

But never forget this-- the way you help people the most is by being yourself. Yourself unashamed, yourself as you really are. And that's the study you should be into the most. I know that's what it is for me.

I wrote this over the course of a couple hours intermittently. After a bit I cleaned up the intro of my personal statement a little bit, now I'm going back to clean it ALL up and then put a conclusion. It needs to be more cohesive, but I'm sure cohesion can find itself in the essay pretty readily.

Freewrites cohese better than anything anyway. What they want isn't real cohesion.