Sadness

Sometimes I feel as though I don't have the time to exist.

Sometimes I feel as though all the yesterdays where I saved up and worked my way haven't accounted for anything at all today. What's the point of saving and building up? I don't believe in living for the day generally. I believe in living for the year. I like the philosophy "live as though tomorrow exists" rather than "live like there's no tomorrow." Because when it feels like tomorrow's too late, I just feel terrible. The worst is when it feels like yesterday was too late. That's the worst. Like when you messed up the day before, yesterday you couldn't do anything about it. That's the kind of atmosphere that's descended upon me.

I want to live as though tomorrow I have another chance. But when I feel like I'm living like there's no tomorrow, I quite properly feel like I'm dying. So many things and situations in life can get me down, but it takes one of them above all else to get me down, and that obviously has to do with love (or lack thereof) and sociality (or lack thereof). Without that little problem in my life (my lack of a social/love life), well, the others would be trivial. But pile them on and you get a nonabelian hellspace.

(I can't believe I'm being self-respecting and making a metaphor as mathy as that. Forget pithy, mathy's the new in.)

I'm going back and adding parentheses later like I'm writing a math problem's solution. Or proof. It's probably more the proof mentality, actually. Like I'm trying to prove something new to myself. But here I don't know what it is I'm trying to prove. Or I just forget.

You know, proofs are hardest to prove when you forget what it is you're trying to prove. And I do have to remind myself of these things all the time. That's why I'm writing this. What I'm trying to prove to myself, or prove that I can prove, is that there's another tomorrow where I have another chance. I messed up today but I can sure try again. The odds were biased unfairly against me and I deserve another chance.

And you know what? Math has put something else into my mentality: the idea that everything in a math problem you see in a textbook can be proved with stuff you've learned previously. So to a certain degree I don't want to learn anything more, because I'm under the subconscious impression ingrained on me by math classes that it will just get in the way. But this is no good if I want to succeed in grad school. It's funny that I'm thinking about this now. Maybe I could write another personal statement and point this out about grad school research and my frustration with math at the undergrad level. A frustration which I haven't realized was there until now.

It's not just a frustration about math, though. It's more about frustration with what I've produced, in general, in life. It feels like I'm just doing the same thing over and over again. My show felt like that tonight. My lack of romance felt like that tonight. My lack of party felt like that tonight. And my tired main playlist of songs feels like that tonight. Even this blog smells like that tonight, but I have a feeling right now that I'm finding something more than I found before.

And I've got to learn. I've got to learn. I'm hungry for it. I want to try new things, find out what the hell else it is I can learn to solve novel problems in life. Because they're there, and you can either go about denying that they are problems or go out and solve them. I choose the latter.

But now I have no choice, for I must sleep. That's the worst.