Creativity

I've found that many things in 2009 didn't turn out to be what I thought they would be. But I also didn't realize what I thought they would be. That is, I had this expectation down inside of me that for some reason didn't come to the forefront of my conscious realization. It was just there, in its dormant state, and I was dormant uncomfortably. Like I was last night when I had a dream that one of my Japanese teachers (of the gender I'm not attracted to) was licking my entire face and trying to make out with me. I didn't even sleep much more than seven hours, either. Could it be really said that last night I slept well?

I'm writing a lot more fluidly and imaginatively than I have before, a lot less mathematically. It's amazing how much 25 pages of reading a novel in one day can do for your/my imagination. And it's amazing how I got that from re-reading a book. Or maybe it's because I just ate something with butter on it. You never know with these things. Nah, but maybe I know. I'm also elated about my first song, still, even though I'm not so elated at the same time over my either slight or big mess-up of a love situation down at Tufts, not to mention the fact that I continue to feel insecure about my relationships with people there, save one person and one person only, God bless her. That's what happens when you don't put yourself out there enough, which I didn't this semester. I didn't go out enough on low sleep into social situations like I always have, afraid that low sleep combined with high expectations would lead to low outcomes. Now I'm talking like an economist again, so let me drift back into the world of the writer. I've hesitated too much on my social life at Tufts, and I guess I've just gotta remember who I am at home, the me that I am when I'm most comfortable with the world and with myself: the I who starts things, brings people together, and in doing so brings himself together. I guess I tried too much to abide by the philosophy that I literally wrote down to myself as being important my freshman year (my very successful freshman year, my best socially): charity begins at home. Begin with yourself and then you'll improve your relations with others. But what I've learned now is you can't necessarily complete the course each time by yourself without other people's help. In fact, for me as a person sometimes that's impossible, if not most of the time. Maybe less than most of the time. Either way I have to keep this in mind, and put out a little trust into the world. I have to admit that with elections swinging the way they did and the political discourse recently and with my own inclinations I've lost a little faith (which I magnify in my head when I think about it) in the world around me. Politics isn't everything but it can eat you up when you don't have a really, really good sympathizer.

Wow, that paragraph was too long. May the reader forgive me.

I wonder what the average HTML color of my skin is. What better, more precise way to characterize it? I also wonder how each little mole got there - what was each and every little one's story? where did they come from and what purpose do they serve that I'm unaware of? What purpose could they serve if I only used my imagination? Well, I think here's one: they remind us that we're only human. There is nothing so ridiculous as the idea of a perfect look, especially when you consider that the perfect look changes depending on the time period. Even the natural look is indefinable.

I am taking a rest with defining myself as a mathematician. I can't really say that I am until I go through grad school, really, at least some would put it that way, but it's not about that. It's just that at this time in my life I'm not really feeling it as much anymore. Math has really been hammered through me like a nail this past semester and in order to improve my relationship with it it's time to take a spiritual break, if not a physical one. It was a little troubling over the past junior year of school to see myself as a mathematician more and more even as I was abroad doing mostly things that weren't math. And now I feel like math is gaining on me while I'm shying away from it. Math to me is instinct. Most of my time is spent doing other things, and to change that right now would be out of place. When I go to grad school (obviously this is an assumption), I will be perfectly willing to let math be my life. In fact, I welcome it, as one of the things that's bothered me about Tufts is that I've never really been able to concentrate on one thing, because I have so many avenues open for my various interests, and... well, I guess I have no excuse there. But I'm ready for it.

If anything, I'm ready for 2010. That's going to be a good year. I can feel it.