Okay, here's the situation.
I've got effectively a week to start and finish a scholarship application for grad school. I will effectively have no input from my advisor because at this point that's not possible. Plus, I have to study for the GRE. I'm so fucked.
Romantic life: nonexistent. That'd be okay except it would be nice to have a human teddy bear (with less hair) that I could hold onto at any necessary moment right now. I just have to remember though that that's what friends are for, not just "boypren."
Homework: deadly abstract algebra, plus I can't solve one of the problems I'm supposed to be grading. Oops!!! I put in the correct values for the solution the Integrator gave me and it's giving my rocket a negative distance traveled. great.
Health: Okay, but if I don't sleep well tonight then it possibly won't be okay. Undergrads (according to Galen, not grads) all around here are sneezing up a cyclone.
GRE study: Have not restarted. Need to do that!!!
T-Pain: music soothing as ever
I don't understand how everyone does this. I don't think it's sustainable to imitate everyone either, considering that this is swine-flu season. Maybe I should just go to bed. Yeah right. Five more math problems? That's not a good idea. And none of the ones that are going to my professor for grading are done. Or really gotten anywhere on. I hate this class's homework. The textbook is trash as well.
I wonder who I could fall in love with here, specifically who wants to fall in love with me but who I'd also be equally interested in. That'd be great to know. Anytime's fine. I gotta just keep telling myself that anytime's fine, even though I just made the comment sarcastically.
Why is everything so fucking hard here?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
新たな自分
毎日新たな自分が作られる。
昨日のような理解でなく、僕は今日どんな性格かどんな人か聞くことだ。あの髪が長くフランス語でも日本語でもどっちでもしゃべるのが好きだった去年の僕は、同じこと感じてた？１３ヶ月前の日本語がずっと速くしゃべれた僕は、今日の僕に対して世界を理解するようにしたことはどう違ったのだろうかな。。。こういうことを考えていて、書くのだ。でも日本語で説明するぐらいで大変になっちゃう。。。（笑）
実は最近、短めに髪を切ってもらったが、あれはジムで長い髪がちょっと迷惑になったせいだ。でもそれだけでなく、僕の想像した自分の体に似合う様子も変わった。つまり、自分をジムに行く人に比べて、「さ、そのような人になりたいね」と考えた。だけどね、僕は本当にあんな人になることができるか、あるいは何でこんなことを思うのかな。。。
さらに、いつも頑張っている自分はいつまでも頑張るのかな。。。
昨日のような理解でなく、僕は今日どんな性格かどんな人か聞くことだ。あの髪が長くフランス語でも日本語でもどっちでもしゃべるのが好きだった去年の僕は、同じこと感じてた？１３ヶ月前の日本語がずっと速くしゃべれた僕は、今日の僕に対して世界を理解するようにしたことはどう違ったのだろうかな。。。こういうことを考えていて、書くのだ。でも日本語で説明するぐらいで大変になっちゃう。。。（笑）
実は最近、短めに髪を切ってもらったが、あれはジムで長い髪がちょっと迷惑になったせいだ。でもそれだけでなく、僕の想像した自分の体に似合う様子も変わった。つまり、自分をジムに行く人に比べて、「さ、そのような人になりたいね」と考えた。だけどね、僕は本当にあんな人になることができるか、あるいは何でこんなことを思うのかな。。。
さらに、いつも頑張っている自分はいつまでも頑張るのかな。。。
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Desperate 10/20/09
It's midterm season. It's also fall, though. I don't like the fall at all, highly preferring the other three seasons (and summer most of all). It's beautiful, sure, but if it's gonna be cold, stay cold, so that I can feel the coldness in all my heart and rebel against it, well, wholeheartedly. How's that for an isomorphic sentence.
There's this one abstract algebra problem I can't solve and it's driving me nuts, just like most of the class generally does. I'm not good at this (relative to the other areas of math) and I don't have the energy anymore to be single and a mathematician at the same time. That's essentially what it comes down to, and I'm glad to admit it. I remember so many of those grad students getting married when I visited UChicago and Northwestern last summer - why do you think that is?
As far as getting married in grad school, I highly doubt I'll be that successful. If that's a definition of success. If I'm with some guy in Illinois of course it doesn't matter, unless he or I absolutely insist on getting married in Massachusetts or Iowa, or some other state where they pass laws through the courts nowadays. Haha, I'm so skeptical about government and protest movements nowadays that it relieves my skepticism on everything else. At least usually.
But yeah, this is getting tiring. I'm currently waiting on someone to stop leaving me hanging and be brave enough to call me back, whether his answer is "okay" or "no." He has until Friday, or probably tomorrow at which point I will probably call and smooth talk, which I may or may not be 上手 at. Either way, I'd find it amusing if he answered. It's like I don't exist. No-- it's like he doesn't exist, that's the right answer, but for some reason it gives me an awful feeling like I don't exist.
And this is the big problem that I'm stuck on that prevents me from attacking easier problems, which might lead me to never end up solving any of the later problems, and then solving the big one when it's too late. This is isomorphic to my abstract algebra homework. Why won't this fucking statement get proven? And yet I know the problems ahead of it are totally manageable... just like my NSF scholarship app.
Someday, I'll learn.
There's this one abstract algebra problem I can't solve and it's driving me nuts, just like most of the class generally does. I'm not good at this (relative to the other areas of math) and I don't have the energy anymore to be single and a mathematician at the same time. That's essentially what it comes down to, and I'm glad to admit it. I remember so many of those grad students getting married when I visited UChicago and Northwestern last summer - why do you think that is?
As far as getting married in grad school, I highly doubt I'll be that successful. If that's a definition of success. If I'm with some guy in Illinois of course it doesn't matter, unless he or I absolutely insist on getting married in Massachusetts or Iowa, or some other state where they pass laws through the courts nowadays. Haha, I'm so skeptical about government and protest movements nowadays that it relieves my skepticism on everything else. At least usually.
But yeah, this is getting tiring. I'm currently waiting on someone to stop leaving me hanging and be brave enough to call me back, whether his answer is "okay" or "no." He has until Friday, or probably tomorrow at which point I will probably call and smooth talk, which I may or may not be 上手 at. Either way, I'd find it amusing if he answered. It's like I don't exist. No-- it's like he doesn't exist, that's the right answer, but for some reason it gives me an awful feeling like I don't exist.
And this is the big problem that I'm stuck on that prevents me from attacking easier problems, which might lead me to never end up solving any of the later problems, and then solving the big one when it's too late. This is isomorphic to my abstract algebra homework. Why won't this fucking statement get proven? And yet I know the problems ahead of it are totally manageable... just like my NSF scholarship app.
Someday, I'll learn.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Out that sofa jump
You remember how 3 years ago, they weren't playing I Gotta Feeling every 3 seconds? Instead it was Sexyback, or Hips Don't Lie. That was what we jived to our freshman year of college. And that's how it rocked.
That year is long gone now, the year of innocence and swellness. Of Primary Source upheaval yeah, but still, on the other hand, a half-snowy Christmas? I can't remember. It was a nice Christmas regardless.
Tufts isn't the same now. Gay freshmen seem to have it much easier now, as the last three years alone for some reason have channeled a lot more lgbt acceptance than I could've foreseen. Maybe they haven't, but I think they have. I don't know why, or how. But I feel pretty good out and about here. It's all I can do to prevent myself from being blatantly obvious and/or horny and wearing my favorite blue pin on my favorite blue jacket, that is, the pin with the two male bathroom figures on it holding hands. That shit could get me laid really fast, maybe, or demonized real fast. Either way, I wore it at the coming out day rally, and I hope the guys I wanted to see it saw it. They probably didn't.
I'm waiting on someone who won't respond to a friend request, he's probably embarrassed about what went on two nights ago when we met at a dance, and wondering why I'm not. Haha, truth is, I was embarrassed right after it for like 5 hours and I'm not anymore. He was drunk so of course it didn't hit until the morning after, if he remembered. Damn, I hope he remembered.
That's at the top of my mind right now, and everything else is buried and refuses to rise again. I don't want that stuff to rise again; scholarship essays, math homework that won't get solved, all of that is a group of voracious zombies hoping to devour my essence in flesh and in spirit. And here I sit listening to another pop song hoping it will ease my nerves. It won't. Only sleep will.
Sleep, though, is hard for me to approach. Just like a limit you can't find; you know it should approach something, even if it's infinity, but you can't ever approach it yourself. It approaches it without you. Your job is to hop onto that fucking arrow onto the infinity sign, or to zero, or to wherever the limit takes you. But you can't slip into the arrow's dimension, and it fails.
Then the arrow enters your dimension, you devour it, and you dominate in the world of sleep. The arrow twists, floats off, upward, upward relative to two vectors somewhere, the cross-product... gone, the arrow takes off, and this isn't even in three dimensions or in seven dimensions...
Math dreams like these I never have. Only dreams of other things. Math isn't behind the dreams, I don't think. Maybe it's buried somewhere in there.
Dreams are things that are so lonesome if you invent them consciously. But when you're really alone - no one can dream the same sleep dreams you dream - they're never lonesome. At least not for me.
Maybe none of this is true, though. But in a dream world, true and false dissipate.
That year is long gone now, the year of innocence and swellness. Of Primary Source upheaval yeah, but still, on the other hand, a half-snowy Christmas? I can't remember. It was a nice Christmas regardless.
Tufts isn't the same now. Gay freshmen seem to have it much easier now, as the last three years alone for some reason have channeled a lot more lgbt acceptance than I could've foreseen. Maybe they haven't, but I think they have. I don't know why, or how. But I feel pretty good out and about here. It's all I can do to prevent myself from being blatantly obvious and/or horny and wearing my favorite blue pin on my favorite blue jacket, that is, the pin with the two male bathroom figures on it holding hands. That shit could get me laid really fast, maybe, or demonized real fast. Either way, I wore it at the coming out day rally, and I hope the guys I wanted to see it saw it. They probably didn't.
I'm waiting on someone who won't respond to a friend request, he's probably embarrassed about what went on two nights ago when we met at a dance, and wondering why I'm not. Haha, truth is, I was embarrassed right after it for like 5 hours and I'm not anymore. He was drunk so of course it didn't hit until the morning after, if he remembered. Damn, I hope he remembered.
That's at the top of my mind right now, and everything else is buried and refuses to rise again. I don't want that stuff to rise again; scholarship essays, math homework that won't get solved, all of that is a group of voracious zombies hoping to devour my essence in flesh and in spirit. And here I sit listening to another pop song hoping it will ease my nerves. It won't. Only sleep will.
Sleep, though, is hard for me to approach. Just like a limit you can't find; you know it should approach something, even if it's infinity, but you can't ever approach it yourself. It approaches it without you. Your job is to hop onto that fucking arrow onto the infinity sign, or to zero, or to wherever the limit takes you. But you can't slip into the arrow's dimension, and it fails.
Then the arrow enters your dimension, you devour it, and you dominate in the world of sleep. The arrow twists, floats off, upward, upward relative to two vectors somewhere, the cross-product... gone, the arrow takes off, and this isn't even in three dimensions or in seven dimensions...
Math dreams like these I never have. Only dreams of other things. Math isn't behind the dreams, I don't think. Maybe it's buried somewhere in there.
Dreams are things that are so lonesome if you invent them consciously. But when you're really alone - no one can dream the same sleep dreams you dream - they're never lonesome. At least not for me.
Maybe none of this is true, though. But in a dream world, true and false dissipate.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Do you ever feel like...
The wind whirrs too machine-like for you to feel human?
Your cries are just dust in the wind?
Wind is just dust in the world's howl?
Melodramatic words are necessary?
That's what I feel like when I'm told I cannot access the music lab because it is Columbus Day.
Your cries are just dust in the wind?
Wind is just dust in the world's howl?
Melodramatic words are necessary?
That's what I feel like when I'm told I cannot access the music lab because it is Columbus Day.
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