Run

One of the reason I do almost - oh, wait, most people won't necessarily know this. Yeah. When I'm on my computer(s) I almost always do everything from the Run menu. Well, I mean, I do things like this: I hit the start key, r, and then type iexplore google.com and hit enter. Or just google.com and hit enter. There are times where I type iexplore dictionary.reference.com/search?q=sinuous or for whatever word whose definition I don't really know.

One of the reasons that this is appealing is that I like the concept of running. But not like actually going running. I stopped doing this after coming back from Paris because I realized running is actually quite boring and not that healthy. Either I'm breathing in gas exhaust or the ridiculous amount of shit in the air - nature shit - that comes from the surrounding forest and swamp land. I found an alternate exercise anyway, with the pushup grips. But something's missing.

DDR's missing. I'm not finding it as fun as I used to and that's because of a lack of good new shit. This is a big problem. I'm also not producing it as easily as I used to anymore, which is puzzling and not fun.

I know I've titled a blog post "Run" before, and I know it's probably not on this blog, but if it is, well. There you go.

But I like the concept of running. Of being free from everything, of being nothing but movement with the wind. Like a feather in the floating world. Well, I wouldn't use the words "floating world"; maybe the "swimming world." Swimming as a notion is more peaceful. But I'm talking about running.

My world is a world of mixups and contradictions, too, just like mixing images of swimming and running, two things that you cannot do at the same time. They say that you can't listen to your favorite two songs at the same time and enjoy it, but what if the songs are two Nickelback songs? In any case, I am a walking contradiction. Most people don't get it. My friends do. Colleges didn't. I'm a "various strokes" kind of guy, different strokes for not two but ONE folk.

Hey, what you know about that? I know all about that...

I'm up until 4:30 AM again, aggravated. At myself, and at my current situation. Nothing's easy anymore. Every single thing requires I do it 100% perfectly or else I'll undergo severe annoyance. That's not just growing up, that's the approach of senior year. GRE Math and General GRE, my question-mark interest in Japanese (which leads to the JLPT and continuing the language class, though I guess I don't really have to study it seriously this summer; instead I should chill out and give myself a fuckin' break), grad schools grad schools grad schools, what to concentrate in for grad school (they don't call it "major" in grad school, which is kind of like how you can use the word 専門 (senmon) for specialty, concentration, or major but 専攻 only applies to college major), more lists and lists like this, on and on and beyond, I could go on but I won't. Hmm, that's basically it isn't it? It doesn't sound that bad I guess. Then there's the current class I'm taking, I guess.

I intend to go to the beach no matter what after I wake up.

I'm listening to the music of longing that I listened to during sophomore year, which was a year of longing. It wasn't too long of a year of longing but it was a longing year nonetheless. This list of music includes "Shawty" by Plies, "Bed" by J.Holiday, "Kiss Kiss" by Chris Brown, "Me & Mr. Jones" by Amy Winehouse, "What You Know" by T.I., "Hypnotized" by Plies, "Elevator" by Flo Rida, "Daylight" by Kelly Rowland, ... If you look at this list, it's not obvious how these songs communicate longing. No, I communicated longing through these songs. What I hear in all of these songs (and in all of T-Pain's songs, notably) is an undercurrent of longing, for instance, found under the raw masculinity of Plies's ridiculously ignorant-sounding voice. That undercurrent was so real to me, because I never really allowed my longing to express itself outwardly to the extent that I feel it. That's my problem, since that's still true today. And it's true most nowadays in terms of romantic longing, as it was sophomore year.

I'm venturing into unknown territory, and I'm not exactly thrilled to be doing this at a time when I need to solidify a switch of life for after-undergrad. But I need to do this, because if I don't I'm going to fail.

And that's not an academic fail, that's a me fail. Actually, probably the best translation from what I just said into English is that if I don't start looking around I'm going to fall.

How do I ease up enough to look around and step into the hot jacuzzi of sizzling romance? Ugh, it's definitely not by listening to Nas as my music player's shuffle sets me to... Yeah, I need to ease up. Cure my everpresent nervousness.

And it looks like daylight...'s gonna make me sleep shit again... man, I can't make it through the night anymore. I don't know why.